Outlier - Jesse Arroyo

We have all been there. At one point in our lives, we have felt like we don’t belong in a certain area. You take one look around and wonder why you can’t be like the rest. You envy what someone else has. Common things we envy are things like popularity, relationships, and fitting in. But we also learn valuable lessons as a child. I am a current sophomore in high school living during a pandemic. But my story here is about my experiences and lessons that I have encountered all last year.

Summer of 2019, the summer before starting high school. I had been interested in doing two major after school activities in the fall, those being Soccer and Marching Band. I had been playing soccer since I was in 5th grade while the rest had been playing it since they were much younger. Besides, I had only been playing the sport in one division, where newcomers come and play. Everybody else was more advanced in their skills because they had been playing in clubs, and travel teams that were extra competitive, and trained harder than a regular division for

Newcomers.

There is a soccer summer camp program that happens every year from June through August, Tuesdays-Thursdays, from 7:00AM-10:45AM. Even before the camp started I was incredibly nervous to go. Some of the kids that came from the other middle school that was merging with us were champions, previously in eighth grade. Then the other kids that came from my middle school were better skilled and had traveled across the country to play in different places just for Soccer. Due to all of these things, I felt lower and an outlier on the team. So when camp arrived I was very nervous to go and start. I knew better than to give up though. The very first day we worked a lot. It started with weight-lifting in the gym to fitness exercises with the coaches like running and passing the ball around. Then we would do different drills like playing 2v2 mini games and playing different positions. The very first day I struggled to play against them. I gave them everything I got but they were very quick and skilled to where I kept losing and being passed. It was hard to do.

There was not one day where I felt like going. Despite my feelings and emotions I made sure my story would not end like that. That same process was similar every single day I went. I also didn’t really talk to anybody at the camp which made it a lot harder to go since I felt alone while there were people around me socializing with one another. I probably should’ve at least tried to talk to someone in my grade but I was really shy and thought no one would like me since I was the worst player there. I didn’t really want to socialize with anyone since I had already strongly disliked these kids before soccer. They were always very rude and have had a huge ego for the longest time. I just kept in mind that not everything is going to be perfect. I did socialize with one kid who was a grade older than me and he too was just like me being the worst player there. He ended up not trying out for the team after all. I was definitely not going to go down that path. The same story happened with another kid who was actually in my grade as well and was a part of band with me. He was there for a few days and then never came back. I asked both kids later in the year why they didn’t go for the team and they both told me that they weren’t interested anymore. It seems to me they both quit because they couldn’t go through the difficult work and pain anymore. I especially vividly remember this one situation that made me truly feel alone and an outlier. The coach had told us to partner up for this next activity we would be doing. I took one look around and noticed that everybody was partnered up already except me. I even went to the coach to tell him that there was no one else to partner up with and before I could even say anything he just looked at me and told me to find a group. I eventually went with a group and made a group of three. It felt like I was in a movie where I was the kid that no one liked at all. There were times where I was losing motivation to continue to the point where I would cry many times throughout the summer on how hard this was. The one thing I refused to do was quit.

When school was nearing so were tryouts. I never felt anything more intense than I did at tryouts. I vividly remember sitting by myself on the bench by the soccer fields waiting for tryouts to start while everyone else around me was talking with one another. I sat there quietly contemplating my thoughts and emotionally preparing myself for what I was about to go through. I had butterflies in my stomach and my heart was rapidly racing. I was able to peacefully overcome these feelings. I put on the same face I have been putting on all summer to get to this exact moment. I drenched myself in sweat from all of the vigorous amounts of runs that I had to do. I fought against the heat and my own emotions to not let it take me down from where I wanted to get to. I battled hard against my teammates. The same teammates that I have despised for so long. I put on the same game face that I put on the entire summer to get to that moment. All the struggles, challenges, and pain was worth it. I was able to make the freshmen team and play. I still struggled many times but I was able to improve like everyone else. That didn’t mean I still felt like an outlier though. Almost everything I did was alone. Things ranging from changing in the locker rooms to riding on the bus back and forth alone. That process continued until the very end of the season. When I walked off of the soccer field for the very last time. I was somewhat happy and proud. Even though we lost the very last game once I got onto that bus I just looked out that window and reflected everything I have been through. Then the very last time I would be with the team was at the banquet which was held in a very fancy clubhouse. We dined together and I socialized a good amount with the kids around me. That was actually the first time I did that with them since soccer camp in the summer. I felt so accomplished and proud of myself. Despite all of the embarrassing things, I learned a lot from my experience with soccer. Looking back now I would not change any part of the journey. I, to this day, am amazed at what I did.

Sadly though I will not be continuing soccer anymore. I am not leaving because of how much I struggled or how bad I was with them. I left because of complications between soccer and band. During the season the varsity team had another tournament that they were playing in and they required all the lower teams like my team to ball boy for them. I had no problem with doing that. But it was unfortunate for me because they required me to do it when I needed to be with the marching band. This was no surprise to me. Before I even started soccer camp I knew situations like these would come up. But what I did not expect was them not working with me properly. Once everyone found out that I couldn’t ball boy because I was in band and a part of another activity (and a lame one too). No one wanted to do anything with me. Not even the coaches liked me too well. The real reason why I couldn’t ball boy was because the marching band competitions and practices were at those exact times. I stood out but in a good way. I was okay with being the only person there who was involved with more than one activity and not just soccer. Despite me having a valid reason for missing. The whole team and I were still forced to run and do these exercises to punish us for being absent. I had already communicated with the athletic director if I could miss for band since my actual coaches never responded to me. I do have some blame in this however because I never really spoke up or even told them that the athletic director excused me. In the end I was still able to finish the season correctly and was proud of myself but I do regret not standing up to these toxic coaches and teammates. I was always so intimidated by them and I still wish I would have handled those situations differently to this day. In the end though I ended up getting the last laugh.

Marching Band came along. The Marching Band season always started two weeks before school. Within those two weeks we would be there from Monday-Friday from 1pm-9pm. We would learn everything we needed to know and do for the season. All the other Freshmen had some prior experience already from a mini band camp week that happened after the last week of school before the summer. I did not attend since I was in Mexico the whole week for my uncle’s wedding. So I was barely learning how to do everything like marching and meeting new people. I obviously needed more help than everybody else. I felt like an outlier because it seemed to me that I was the only one who needed more help. Everywhere I looked I saw most people were getting it. I on the other hand had everybody else around me telling me what I was doing right and what I was doing wrong. I’m always okay with receiving feedback. This happened frequently. I always envied everyone around me. I always wondered why nobody else was struggling as much as me. I just kept thinking to myself that everyone else already has some type of experience. Like in soccer, I was very quiet and didn’t talk as much with anybody. I never felt shy, I just never really knew what to say so I just said nothing. I always felt like an outlier because everyone around me viewed me as tremendously low and small. Sure I am very short and skinny but I felt like I received special treatment like if I was a little kid. Maybe because I never talked too much and how many times I struggled. I didn’t really make any new friends either. In breaks like snack break or dinner break I would always sit alone. I would sit near a few people but I never really talked with them and I was always on my phone. I was feeling somewhat of the same feelings that I had in soccer. Except this time I was feeling more excited to show up to band camp. It was still really fun and an amazing thing to do. Even though I never really had close friends or even go with people that often I still felt like I was a part of a family.

There was this one Saturday rehearsal that the marching band had that I will never forget. The day was going normal and I was having a good time. We did various things to practice and master our show. Everything changed when lunchtime came around. I was very hungry but I couldn't actually start eating because my food had not arrived yet. I watched everybody else eat while I just sat outside waiting for my food to arrive. My mom would be dropping off my food but she was running really late because it was a Saturday and my brother and sister had soccer for a division here in my hometown. They had most of their games on Saturday mornings going into the afternoons. Which was the exact same time as marching band rehearsal. My food didn’t arrive until 10 minutes before the end of lunch. I quickly ran over to the car and hurriedly ate my food. Once I finished I later realized I made the biggest mistake ever. I was very upset that I didn’t get to eat properly and I ran back inside the building to find that the place was absolutely empty. I found no one. I passed the band hallway and saw that the band teacher was still there and when I asked him where everyone else was he gave me a very concerned look and told me that everyone was outside. I felt sick to my stomach to see that I was the only one running late, and everybody was already doing warmups. Once I was running back into my place for warmups I started getting some negative comments towards me. Things like “You have no idea what you have just done bro” or “What are you doing”. I was confused why everyone was giving me nasty comments. But when I got into my spot I heard the main drum major yell to the entire band my name. Since I was late she put the blame on me and told everyone to run a lap around the parking lot because of me. I felt extremely embarrassed to the point where I cried. I didn’t cry hard I just shed an enormous amount of tears and didn’t really focus too much on the rehearsal. I was furious too and just wondered how they could do this to me. I just couldn’t wait for the rehearsal to be over and when I got home and talked with my family about the situation they helped me realize that this was all my fault. Since that day, I have always been on time to every rehearsal due to fear of having to go through that torture again. I have been made fun of for this situation countless times ever since it happened but I just don’t let it bother me and I actually let that situation make me a better person. When I think about what happened that day I laugh it off and glad that I went through something like that. Because this isn’t the first time I get called out in front of everybody and it's always something to look back on from high school.

There was not one day where I had a day off of both soccer and marching band. I was okay with that. As a matter of fact that is what I signed up for. There were many days where I had both activities on the same day. It was really tiring but it was worth it and I loved doing it. It felt so good to be working hard and getting involved with school. The attention I got with band was good too. This is an example of where I liked being the outlier and being different from everyone else. I got a lot of attention when I would show up late to band due to soccer. I mean who doesn’t love getting attention. I obviously don’t crave attention but it was a good side bonus to have. Especially when I was one of the few kids who were in band and that were involved with another major activity like a sport. Something that I learned about journeys and adventures is that there will be a lot of setbacks and obstacles. The time came where I had to ask my soccer coach if I could miss just the beginning of practice to be at a more important place for band. I had already sent him a message about this and he never responded. So I went to go and ask him in person if I was excused to miss and if he got my message. I expected a “Oh sorry I forgot to respond, yeah its okay you can miss.” Instead I got a “Oh I got the message. Why don’t you tell Steve (the varsity coach) exactly what you told me.” So I told him and instead got in return an angered attitude. It seems like they were not okay with any part of me missing just a small part of soccer. So I got really scared and worried. I ended up missing band for soccer because I was petrified of what would happen to me if I were to miss soccer. This was unprecedented. I got yelled at by my band section for missing. So the very next time that situation came again I let them know that I would be missing and did not care what they would say and I went with my real plan. It was so satisfying to do that and see the look on their faces when they saw that I ignored what they wanted for me. I didn’t do this to get them mad but because it was necessary. That also taught me a lesson to take dangerous risks to get what you want. Good risks though.

Switching back to band when the football games and marching band competitions arrived I was getting those same and similar situations that I had with band camp in the summer. In the football games we would all sit together in the benches playing music whenever we had the chance. But when we weren’t playing we would just sit there talking with one another. I on the other hand always got there late most of the time since I had soccer games. So I never really sat down where I wanted to. Most of the time I was just sitting there quietly not talking to anyone. Occasionally I would talk to a few people around me but most of the time it consisted of me just sitting there. There was one specific Friday night football game where I got to the game late again because I was away for soccer. Then something unusual happened. At the end of the game the principal bought the whole band hotdogs, waters and chips for us to enjoy. I was super excited to enjoy their hotdogs since they were always really good. But for some reason what I did not expect to find outside was that the entire band was sitting down outside the band room on the curbs and pavements eating and socializing with one another as if it was the time to vibe. I was sad because instead of me sitting down to dine with the rest I just passed everyone with my food and went home. I even vividly remember everyone smiling and laughing and having a great time while I went home as if I had no interest to have fun and was super lonely. When I got home I was very sad but okay that I was home. On marching band competition days it was the same story. I didn’t necessarily have a bad time. These were the best days ever. I would go through these days feeling really joyful and excited to live them. And that is what I did. But when I say I felt like an outlier I mean doing everything quietly and just doing them alone. Sure I would have casual friends that I would talk with once in a while but I never talked to them all the time because most of the time they were not around. Like in the bus rides to and back from the competition I would sit alone sometimes in the front or sit next to someone with my headphones in and listen to music. However I really did enjoy those times. I wouldn’t change anything about these times. Something about these bus rides made them feel fun and thrilling.

There was this one particular competition day however that truly made me feel a little isolated but at the same time like an outlier in a good way. It was the Illinois State competition. The band and I were at Illinois State University down in Normal,Illinois. Like all the other competition days I was having an amazing time. Once our band had finished performing we all went back to the buses to change and get our dinner. So once we got our dinner we all sat outside the buses and by the curbs to eat. This is the exact same situation I was faced with back at the friday night football game I was talking about. Where everybody was sitting down outside eating and socializing with each other. Except this time I couldn’t go home now. I had to go and sit down. So I sat down by a few kids but I didn’t talk with any of them. I just sat there and ate my food. I was one of the last few kids to finish eating and once I finished I went back inside the bus to put on my retainers. I was only in there for like five minutes and little did I know there was not one band kid outside. There were a few chaperones around cleaning up and helping out but not one band kid was there. I started to get a little uneasy seeing I was the only one there. Here is where things got intense and interesting. But at the time I was panicking. At that moment I thought everyone must have gone to the bathrooms. However for some reason Illinois State University never had proper bathrooms for us to use so the bathrooms we were allowed to use were in a little building which was probably like some type of reception office. That building was a really long walk and very hard to get to. When I got there the doors were completely locked and I saw absolutely no one in there. Then that is when I really started to panic so I sprinted all the way to the buses back to the chaperones and frantically asked them where everyone else was. As I was sprinting I felt like I was in an action and thriller movie. I was the main character looking for someone in an abandoned and remote location. When I got to the buses from the never-ending sprint they told me they were all by the gates waiting to hear the results of who made it to finals. So I started going there but before I could even get away from the buses the chaperone told me to wait and said that I can’t go until the rest of the chaperones and her can go. I was furious since I have been trying to get with the group for the past few minutes. They took a really long time and by the time I got there the whole band was coming towards me and going to the buses. Everyone was cheering and excited about something that just happened. So I again hurried over to someone I knew and asked them what the big whoop was about. They told me that the officials running this competition had just announced who made it to the finals and said that we made it. I was devastated. Everyone was celebrating and thrilled to hear that we made it. Everyone was together feeling amazing feelings of joy. While I was panicking and freaking out where everybody else was. It's not that I was sad that we made it to finals and we would be staying a lot longer. I would rather stay a lot longer. I was sad that I missed out on these moments. These are the worst feelings and things to happen. Where everyone is having so much fun and living through joyful moments while you are just somewhere else by yourself having a bad time and not being with everyone else. Although now that I look back at these moments today. I don’t regret having these situations. I am actually proud and delighted about what has happened to me and what I have gone through.

As the school year got closer to Homecoming I got incredibly nervous. Everyone around me was excited for this thrilling event to come. I was not anxious for it to arrive but I also wasn’t wanting for it to come so quickly. The main reason why I was so nervous was because I didn’t really have anyone to go with. It all started with me hearing in the announcements that homecoming ticket sales have started. Everyone seemed to be very excited that this would be happening. I just sat there telling myself “oh okay sounds fun.” Then when Homecoming week arrived I didn’t think about anything else other than homecoming. I saw almost everyone walking down the halls dressed in homecoming spirit wear. You didn’t see anything else but people taking pictures and having a fun time each day. I also didn’t go to any of the events that took place since I didn’t have anyone to go with or due to my fear of being alone. They were obviously all social events where the school got together. This is another one of those moments where everyone else is out there having fun and enjoying themselves while I am missing out on all of that. To this day I regret not dressing up for these spirit days and attending these events. If I had the opportunity to have spirit week again I would cheerfully dance to get my outfits and show up to school dancing in them as if I was in a music video. I would also gleefully arrive at these events and actually participate in them. But I learned from this type of regret to learn from my mistakes live now and to not be scared of doing anything.

I felt a lot more nervous when the actual homecoming day came. As soon as I woke up on that Saturday I had a nervous feeling about what would happen on that day. I was pretty busy that day and I still had a really good day even before homecoming. I spent most of the day with my family doing different things like going to the stores, watching my siblings’s soccer games and just straight out vibing with them. But when I started changing into my nice clothes and saw that it was getting dark outside that is when I got intense butterflies. My parents were helping me get ready and both took me to homecoming which is something that I deeply am thankful for. When I arrived at the front of the school I saw a lot of other high school kids in groups and some like me going by ourselves. The butterflies still continued once I got in and heard the blaring noises of a huge party. It was a very tense situation. Once I got past the people checking our IDs I was just there by myself waiting. The group that had asked me to hangout with them had not arrived yet. Leaving me waiting alone in the main entrance. I waited for at least 5 minutes which felt like forever and was relieved when I saw them come through the door. We first went to the gym and saw a huge mosh pit with so many people jumping up and down straight up jamming to the music the dj was blasting. I also saw a lot of people around there talking with each other and even up close with the dj and its booming speakers. I was just with the group of three that invited me to come hang out with them. We were sometimes in the gym and then walked around most of the time. I followed them the entire time. We danced a few times, we went to the cafeteria a lot to say hi to other people. We also walked around a lot to talk to other people. This is what I would have said if I actually did these things. I was just following them. I didn’t know any of the people they were talking to so I just stayed beside them. Sometimes they didn’t really acknowledge me. I wish we would have just stayed in the gym the entire time jamming out to music and dancing. Then they ended up leaving half an hour earlier than the time homecoming was supposed to end. So that left me there all alone for the rest of the dance. I decided to spend it in the gym by the DJ, dancing and partying hard. That was the best place to end the dance at. I wish I had done that from the beginning. I also wish I had entered into the mosh pit. I would do anything to feel being shoved around in a hot and sweaty area where people are partying and having an amazing night instead of just walking around a lot. I still had a really good time but I wish I had substituted some of those times walking around with dancing. That day was still one of the best Saturdays I had my freshman year. This is another example of where I regret not doing some things. I wish I would not have been so scared of being alone and not care what others think. I sadly regret not doing what I would have liked to do.

I also didn’t notice until I got home that a lot of people didn’t end up going home but rather going to each other’s houses to party even more. I felt a little bit jealous that everyone around me or at least most people went to party somewhere else in other people’s houses. Even the group that I was with went to each other’s houses to have a mini party with just the three of them. They have been close and best friends for a few years and had a better bond with each other than I did. So it would make sense why I was just following them around and not knowing too many of their friends. I also would have never been invited to hangout with them if it wasn’t for me sitting with them every day at lunch. So I knew they were not planning to invite me to be with them in the first place but in the end I still had an amazing night.

Sometimes I wish I had somewhat of close friends or a group to hangout with. But then sometimes I really like it that I don’t really talk to anyone because that allows me to be more independent and focus more on my happiness and goals that I want to accomplish at school for myself. I went to sleep early that night happy that I was able to go to an amazing event that I was originally a little scared about. While I was very nervous at first I ended up getting over it in the very beginning of the dance. To this day I wish I had played out that dance differently. But I am okay that it happened the way it did. Everything that I mentioned in this story happened from the summer of 2019 to the fall of 2019. I learned so many valuable lessons. I went through a lot too. I learned when things get hard you don’t give up and instead keep going. I can apply that with soccer, marching band, and for the rest of my life. In the end I finished both activities feeling really proud of myself. I learned to ignore and not care about what others think of you. I let that dominate me homecoming week and when the week ended I realized I was worrying for no reason.No one on the soccer team really liked me. Not even the coaches like me. But I still continued with my plan. I also learned that it's okay to be alone and stand out from the rest.I went through both soccer and band from the summer to the fall with little to no friends to be with. I also learned to not let others bring you down and stop you from doing whatever you want to do. I was constantly judged by a lot of people. I just kept going to the point where I was happy with where I got to and on how much I have been through. Nobody’s opinions matter at all. The only opinions that matter are my own. Life is hard. I realized how some people seemed to have these journeys a lot easier than I did. But that’s because their goals or journeys aren’t as big as mine’s. I was a little bit jealous of that but then I also learned to not worry about other people other than yourself. A valuable lesson that I took from not having too many friends is that friendships that are forced are not meant to be. So I am glad that I never tried forcing anything. It's better to be alone than to be with someone that makes you feel alone. I am very thankful that I went through all of these challenges because if it wasn’t for all of the haters and people who tried bringing me down. I wouldn’t be where I am today. Today I am very confident in myself and willing to take on any challenge that comes my way. Today I love myself for who I am and not worry about anyone else who thinks something else about me. No one else but me has lived my life so why do their opinions matter? I also learned that if there are a lot of people hating on me and trying to bring me down, it's because I appear as a threat to showing them that I am strong and refuse to stop. Words can’t even describe how impressed I am of myself with the pain, struggles, and challenges that I have gone through. These experiences are never worth trading for and never will be. I loved every single day and every single minute I spent with these experiences. If you asked me back then when all of this was happening if I was okay with being an outlier I would have said that it kind of sucks. But now when I look back at those times I will say that it was the best thing to ever happen to me. I am so happy the way everything played out. And that’s why it's better to stand out from the rest than to be a copy.